


When It Storms

by Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer



Series: Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [10]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Brainwashing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Am My Mom Gone Wrong, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Memory Loss, Implied/Referenced Torture, Memory Loss, Panic Attacks, Past Brainwashing, Past Character Death, Past Kidnapping, Past Torture, Renegades Steven Universe AU, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Thunder - Freeform, Thunder and Lightning, Thunderstorms, Trauma, War Trauma, War flashbacks, past mental abuse, past psychological torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28245897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/pseuds/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer
Summary: "No, no, it's really okay," his father insists gently. "It's not explosions, bud." Steven whips his head around at that, looking up at Greg in somewhat of a disbelieving manner (because how would he know? How would he be able to tell?), and he only smiles, hesitantly. "It's thunder."| Post-IARQ (I Am Rose Quartz.)
Relationships: Amethyst & Steven Universe, Garnet & Steven Universe, Greg Universe & Steven Universe, Pearl & Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Agate, Steven Universe & Berry, Steven Universe & Candy, Steven Universe & Clementine, Steven Universe & Lemon Lime, Steven Universe & Sage, Steven Universe & Tangerine
Series: Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918204
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	When It Storms

It's quiet.

Steven is… _okay_ , with the quiet. He doesn't hate it, but he doesn't like it. He doesn't like it, but he can tolerate it. He can tolerate it _exceptionally_ well when he's more overwhelmed than usual. Like when thoughts of Blue Diamond start creeping in. Like when he finds himself looking at Peridot's gem more than he thinks he should in one day, wondering when she'd reform again.

_(Like when he has a nightmare the night before about being trapped in a bubble full of spikes, slowly filling up with water while gem shards float around him. He reaches for one of the shards, hoping to reassemble them, but every time he touches them they spark and shock him.)_

Like when the world spins out of control and turns to static. It's not the same as zoning out, not quite, he knows. Because he's still technically aware, knows what's going on. His sight is intact. His hearing is intact. He can snap himself out of the daze at a moment's notice, with no help. It's not disassociation, and it's not unpleasant. Sometimes it's more of a blessing than anything, when he can just sit in his room after a long day and let himself spiral into the nothingness. Sometimes when this happens, he forgets. His mind, which always (always, _always)_ runs at about a hundred thousand miles per hour without stop, without falter, slows to a steady pace. His gem hums the softest of tunes, a gentle reminder that it's there, that it's alive, _he's_ alive. But he forgets everything else; he forgets himself, Earth, Homeworld. He knows nothing of 'Steven', but he knows nothing of 'Rose Quartz'. In these moments, he is nothing, and he is everything.

And it's quiet. And the universe is quiet. And the universe feels _gentle._

(He knows it's _not_.)

And yet sometimes, when he closes his eyes and just relaxes, it almost seems like it. Like it's peaceful, and soft. Like it hasn't thrown him through every hoop it can think of. Like it's _kind._

(But the universe doesn't care.)

It's quiet, but Steven moves and the world is alive again. The soft shuffling as he lays back on his bed is like music, a forgotten melody (it sings of relaxation, peace, warmth, happiness). Steven stretches his arms up high over his head and heaves out a soft, quiet sigh as the backs of his hands rest against his pillow. It's a different kind of shuffling now, a more crackly rustle (and it sings still, sings of sleepiness, contentment, but fear, wariness all at once). It's been a long time since he's heard music like this, a long time since the universe has shared it with him. He settles and the world settles with him, and he smiles at the gentleness he feels, the peace.

(He almost deludes himself into thinking the universe is giving him a break.)

And then it happens. Steven doesn't have any time to prepare himself, any time to brace himself against it. It's so loud, a rumble, a _crack_ , a _boom_ , an _explosion._ Steven's entire body spasms at the sound, eyes snapping open wide. For a moment he's shocked, frozen, paralyzed, _terrified-_

_(For a moment he's in another place, explosions ringing out around him, dirt and debris falling, gems screaming, craters, bubbles, shards flying. Steven shields himself, shields the few gems, the fellow soldiers that had crowded around him. He doesn't cower, doesn't have it in him to cower. But he cringes with each explosion, and something inside of him shrinks down each time. Something in front of him explodes and the bubble rocks back and he loses his balance-)_

It happens again and Steven leaps to his feet. The world tilts dangerously, and he stumbles, off balance and out of practice. The panic that jolts through him is electrifying, cold and painful. It's a heavy, freezing weight dropping straight to the pit of his stomach, briefly releasing a gasp from his lips that he can't bite back in time. He doesn't even register the air that floods into his lungs, because it doesn't feel like enough yet. He's moving without permission, practically in autopilot, his body reacting instinctively as he needs it to. His feet take him to the stairs, but with little time, he simply ends up jumping over them to the bottom. Again, he stumbles, then rocks forward on trembling feet (with a trembling _body)_ to the nearest person he can reach, who happens to be-

"Steven?" Greg reaches for him and Steven grabs his wrist in a tight grip, yanking him up off the couch. He encompasses them in a bubble as he turns, head whipping around, eyes darting frantically across the room. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, the gems - he can't see them, they're not- "Whoa- whoa, buddy, what's going on? Steven?" His hand twitches in Steven's grip, and the hybrid manages to release him after a moment, immediately curling his hands into fists.

"They're here," Steven hardly manages to utter, and his words are drowned out by another explosion. He cringes back against the bubble before he can stop himself, another rush of panic engulfing him as his mouth runs dry. He's unprepared, but he needs to get his gem together, dammit. He handled this fine on the battlefield (but that was different, that was different this isn't the battlefield he's unprepared for this he's not expecting a fight he's not expecting explosions-) "Homeworld's," he starts and stops again. His mind is racing too fast for him to keep up with, which makes it even harder to say what he needs to say. "I need to find the gems. I don't know-"

_(-and something slams into the front of the bubble, a piece of debris, part of a building. It doesn't pop, but Steven figures it might as well have, because it doesn't take long after that for them to go flying even faster, even harder. Someone grabs his arm, clinging to him, but whether it's for their own protection or for his he doesn't really know. He doesn't react. He braces his hands up against the inside of the bubble, but it doesn't last long; he can't keep his balance, can't move, can't control the bubble, can't control them, they're going too fast and he needs to drop it but-)_

His knuckles digging into his palms draw his attention back to the present, just in time as something touches his shoulder. He forgets, for a second, that Greg is there; the contact elicits a startled yell as he whirls back around to face the human, and he's lucky that his father had enough common sense after that to flatten himself back against the side of the bubble, because it only takes two seconds for Steven to summon his scythe. "Whoa- _whoa_ , Schtu-ball, _hey,"_ Greg tries to calm him, hands raising in a half-defensive, half-placating gesture. "Look at me, Steven, it's just me, it's just dad. You're alright, kiddo. You're alright," the man insists slowly.

"No," Steven begins, looking toward the door. His grip on the scythe doesn't relax, and his adrenaline doesn't pump any slower either. "Not- I don't." He stops again, swallowing as much as possible despite there hardly being anything to swallow at all, and jerks his shoulders back. "Homeworld," he tries again weakly, eyes fixed on the door. He needs to find the gems, needs to know where they are, if they're okay, if they're safe. Terror seizes him over and over again as he realizes how completely unequipped he really is for this. "They're here- you heard it, didn't you? The explosions. They're…" His grip shifts, tightens on the scythe as he turns back to his father.

_(-before he can, they slam to a complete stop, crashing back into one of the buildings. The bubble pops and Steven lands on his stomach, immediately dropping the scythe to cradle his gem. He doesn't think it's cracked, it doesn't hurt, but everything else does. The other gems that had been trapped with him groan and grunt as they roll over and try to stand up, but he doesn't-)_

"Explo…" Greg pauses, and a light of understanding flashes across his face. They're both trapped in the pink glow of his bubble, but even then, Steven swears he sees the man pale.

"We need to go," he says immediately, before his father can open his mouth to speak. Which he does try to do, but he can't seem to be able to form the words and Steven doesn't have the time to wait for him to be able to. "Can- can you call- I don't know if there's enough time, we have…" He stops for a moment as his racing mind finally screeches to a halt, only to pause on the image of Peridot's gem cradled in its pillow on the counter, and it doesn't take him long to whirl around in the direction of the kitchen. "Shards," he breathes, and moves forward without waiting. Greg yelps a little, a startled sound as the bubble moves, and Steven stops long enough to let him regain _some_ balance before he continues on until he's close enough to drop the bubble and reach out to grab the gem with one hand, pressing it close to his chest and bubbling them again.

"Okay." He curls his fingers around it, disturbed by how cold it is. Gemstones usually run so warm, buzzing with nothing but pure, hot energy. Peridot's is cold, almost vacant, almost…

_(-he feels them against his stomach, the skin around his uncovered gem. Sharp, and cold-)_

"Steven," Greg's voice is soft, soothing. He feels anything but soothed. "It's okay."

"No," the hybrid groans, bites back another one, because the human doesn't understand. Of course he doesn't understand. He wasn't there. He doesn't know what it's like on the battlefield. He doesn't know the danger they're in now, what explosions can do, what they can destroy. "No." He stops, swallowing again, and turns, taking a careful step. The bubble moves, and Greg shuffles along with it, teetering for a moment as he tries to stay balanced. He doesn't reach for Steven again, but his hands raise toward the hybrid as if he wants to. He's glad that he doesn't.

"No, no, it's really okay," his father insists gently. "It's not explosions, bud." Steven whips his head around at that, looking up at Greg in somewhat of a disbelieving manner (because how would he know? How would he be able to tell?), and he only smiles, hesitantly. "It's thunder."

Steven stares at him for a moment, uncomprehending. "What?"

"It's-"

It happens again, louder still, and the hybrid jerks back hard enough to rock the bubble. He fumbles to keep a good grip on Peridot's gem and the scythe, not daring to release either. Greg finally chooses that moment to move forward and reach for him again, and Steven has to bite back a whimper as his father's arms close around him, pulling him close. He should be stronger than this, he should be ready, he should be _brave,_ he's supposed to be a _soldier_ , he's supposed to be able to handle these things, but he can't. Right now, he can't. The fear, the absolute terror he feels is debilitating, and his heart is racing, pounding, stuttering, and he can't, can't _breathe._

_(-gem shards-)_

"It's thunder," Greg breathes as he presses his face into Steven's hair, presses a kiss to the top of his head. Steven trembles in his grip for a moment, working his fist around the handle of the scythe and keeping Peridot's gem clutched close to his chest with his other hand. "It's thunder. Homeworld isn't here, there's no explosions. You're safe. It's just loud, and scary. You…" His father paused while Steven took in another breath, and finally sank into the human with a low, quiet groan, a sound trapped deep in the back of his throat, stomach clenching through waves of terror as he tries to calm down. The side of his head sinks against Greg's chest while the man just holds him, wrapping him in a warm but shaky embrace. "You were scared of it when you were little, too. Then- do you remember? It's just the clouds. Just electricity inside the clouds."

He never thought the word _electricity_ would be able to soothe him so much, but Greg's explanation eases some of the gnawing in his gut. Still, he shakes as he lifts his head from his father's chest and turns it to look toward the door again. This time he sees it, just before the sound reaches him; a big, bright flash of light outside the window and then, then it happens. The noise still makes him jolt, and Greg's arms tighten around him reflexively. Steven just stares.

"It's lightning," Greg soothes. "Electricity, but it can't hurt you in here. It happens when it storms."

_("Yeah, everything is fine! It's just thunder. It happens when it rains!")_

Steven doesn't respond to Greg or the memory for a moment. He stares out through the window, watching the water descend. Another flash of light causes him to flinch and recoil against Greg again, but now that he knows what to expect once he sees that, the thunder doesn't startle him as badly as before. He allows his scythe to diminish after a few seconds, using his free hand to grab onto his father's shirt instead, then looks down at the green gem he's still cradling close to his chest. His heart aches as he remembers when Peridot had been this scared, this wary and fearful of everything around her, so new to Earth, so guarded, on edge. He didn't quite understand it then; he'd grown up on Earth. Things that scared her were familiar to him. Now he understands, on a deeper level than he would have thought possible.

He doesn't realize he's dropped the bubble until Greg, with a soft, relieved sigh, starts pulling him toward the couch. He moves along with the human somewhat numbly, letting Greg sit him down and sinking into the man's arms once again when his father settles down beside him. He keeps Peridot's gem close to him, almost afraid to let go of it, afraid to drop it, afraid to lose it. He wishes she was here, she'd understand all of this. "Thunder," he finally manages to speak. "Just… explosions… in the sky, right? Because of the lightning. Because of the electricity."

"Exactly." Greg passes a hand over his head, running his fingers through the hybrid's curls. Steven leans into the touch silently, vaguely aware that he's still trembling. "Not Homeworld."

Steven merely nods, still too shaken to respond properly. Every time he thinks he might be adjusting, something throws him for yet another loop. The universe forcing him through another hoop in the endless cycle it's put him in, stringing him along, making him struggle. Life itself is a battle of his own, and one that catches him by surprise so much he doesn't think he's equipped to fight it. He doesn't have the tools, the weapons, to fight it. It always has the element of surprise - but he also supposes that that's his fault, for letting his guard down in the first place. But how can he not? Earth is filled with so, so many wonderful things. It's so quiet and peaceful. But that's just half the time; the other half is unfamiliar, alien. The other half requires readjusting.

(He hates moments like this that makes him miss Homeworld, makes him homesick for a place that was never his home to begin with, makes him ache for something just a bit more familiar.)

Greg's hand cards through his hair again, and Steven stills. "Are you okay?"

"No," Steven breathes. "I don't… I don't know."

His father pulls him into his arms again, a steady, warm embrace. Steven melts into him after a few seconds, curling his fingers into the man's shirt and still holding Peridot's gem to his chest. The hybrid doesn't speak for a few seconds after that, trying to breathe through the lingering panic. He's still shaking, still _shaky_ , but his mind isn't racing on such a high level anymore. Still going a hundred thousand miles per hour, as per usual, but that's the normal pace for him. "Stars…" The hybrid screws his eyes shut for a second, until colors burst to life behind closed eyelids, until it makes his brain hurt, until he can't really think clearly at all anymore. Clearly enough to continue, for the words to spill out, but he can't stop them. Although he's not entirely sure he would attempt to do so otherwise, either. "I'm sorry. I thought I'd-" He stops, swallows. "I'd be more prepared for this."

"Oh, Steven…" Greg tugs him closer and Steven drops his head back onto the man's shoulder. His eyes fix on the window again, body jerking sharply at another flash of light, another lightning bolt, another rumble of thunder. Greg's arms around him is the only thing keeping him from jumping to his feet and finding the nearest shelter, away from the window, where he doesn't have to see. Maybe even where he doesn't have to hear it either (if such a place does exist). "Buddy, I wouldn't _expect_ you to be prepared. You're still getting… used to all of this again."

"But I froze," Steven insists, voice wavering for a moment. He clenches his teeth and swallows, but that does little to release the pressure in his chest, the lump in his throat. "I thought Homeworld was here, I- I thought they were attacking, I thought- I'm a soldier, and I _froze."_

Greg doesn't say anything for a moment. The silence weighs heavier than his arms around him.

"You're not just a soldier," his father finally murmurs. "You're a kid."

His trembling body relaxes a little at that, sinking back into Greg as if the words release some kind of tension inside of him he hadn't even been aware was there in the first place. He _deflates._

"I can't be," he tells the man after a moment, his voice quiet enough to almost be drowned out by the sounds outside as the rain picks up, as the wind blows and whistles against the house. "I have to be- to be more- more _ready_ for this, Dad. I- I can't…" He doesn't finish, doesn't know how, doesn't know what else to say. He's too comfortable, too soft, too unprepared. Every part of him had ached so strongly to reconnect with his new old home, thinking there was time for it. That when the time came and Homeworld came and Blue Diamond came, he would be ready. But he hadn't been ready, he'd been the exact _opposite_ of _ready_. He can't let himself get so… distracted, so caught off guard, so relaxed. Not with the threat of Homeworld over their heads.

"Hey." Greg pulls back a little and Steven's gaze whirls in his direction at once, albeit slightly unfocused, but just aware enough to listen. "Listen, kiddo, this whole thing isn't just on your shoulders. You'll be as ready as you can be," the man insists. The hybrid doesn't reply, breathing in slowly through his teeth and just looking up at him as he continues, "you've got the gems, you've got your friends. You know what to expect, you just don't know when to expect it. But you can't put so much on yourself, and expect yourself to be prepared for something that could literally happen at any moment. You're gonna run yourself ragged just trying to."

Steven doesn't respond for a few seconds, but he feels the rest of the tension in his muscles wither away until he's nothing but a trembling bundle of nerves; Greg pulls him closer, and Steven pulls Peridot's gem closer, and turns to bury his face into his father's shoulder. "Yeah," he whispers, a quiet, begrudging kind of agreement. Because he's right, he knows he's right.

(It doesn't make it any easier.)

The warp pad sings its familiar tune, a musical hum, a shimmer. Steven takes his time pulling away from Greg, and by the time he turns to look, Berry and the others are already hopping off of the warp pad with the Crystal Gems in tow. Each one of them looks confused, and worried.

"What the shards…" Berry's gaze strays toward the window. Steven watches her tense. Each one of the ex-Homeworld gems jump when another rumble thunders through the air - the hybrid swears he feels the house shake - and while the Crystal Gems seem calm for the most part, he's far too perceptive now to miss the way Pearl's shoulders stiffen, and Garnet's hands twitch.

"It's storming," Greg informs them, reluctantly releasing Steven as the hybrid climbs to his feet. Berry's gaze sweeps in their direction, first landing on Greg, then Steven, then Peridot's gem.

Lemon Lime is the first to move forward, looking concerned. "Is she…"

"She's okay. I thought…" He doesn't need to explain what he thought, but he does. "Homeworld… I thought it was an explosion, I-" His gaze snaps toward Berry, then toward Candy, the Jaspers, Agate and Sage. The recognition written across their faces - the way Tangerine's eyes darken, the way Clementine grimaces and leans back - makes him feel a little better about his own reaction, makes him feel a little more justified. It's not just him, then. It's all of them. The hybrid takes a deep breath, finally relaxing, and holds Peridot's gem out to Lemon Lime. He hesitates for a moment, reaching out and cupping his hands to take it; the mechanical fingers curl around it protectively the moment he does, drawing the green gem closer to him.

"So, storming…" Candy starts, moving closer to the window, only to jump and back away when another flash of lightning strikes down, lighting the sky up just before the thunder crashes again. "Shards-! Does this happen often?! It's like the Yellow Diamond Electrification Ball of Era 1!"

Steven shoots her a curious look while Berry cringes. "Ugh, stars, _don't."_

"I mean, it doesn't happen _often._ Every once in a while, yeah. Depends on the time of the year," Greg explains, and he's rewarded for his efforts by a bunch of confused looking gems.

"Might as well get used to that, then," Tangerine mutters eventually.

Steven grimaces slightly, wrapping his arms around himself. He glances up when Pearl makes her way over to him, however, flanked by Amethyst, though the purple Quartz ends up climbing onto the couch while Pearl pauses in front of the hybrid to check him over, looking worried. "Are you alright? I'm so sorry, Steven, we should have warned you. I know how scary it can be at first." The pale gem winces slightly, a briefly haunted look flashing across her face, reliving a memory Steven knows deep in his gem that he understands. He hates it, hates anything that causes Pearl any pain, or fear, or discomfort - but he still can't shake the feeling of relief, knowing once again that it's not just him, that it's justified, that it's valid. It's… _comforting_.

"I'm okay now." Steven pauses, releasing a sigh through his teeth, and glances back at Greg. The human offers him a soft smile in response, one Steven returns before he turns his attention back to Pearl. "It definitely wasn't fun, but-" He forces out a laugh, not for their benefit, but for his own, an effort to release some of the tension that had tightened his muscles at the last flash, the last burst of thunder. It helps, actually, and quite a lot at that. "I mean, it could be worse, right?"

"Definitely," Berry chimes. "It could've actually been Homeworld, for instance."

"Exactly." Steven exhales, letting his shoulders droop after a second. "We're okay. _I'm_ okay."

Another thunderclap. Steven cringes back and watches Berry, Candy, Lemon Lime and the Jaspers do the same. Agate merely twitches in response, a frustrated look flitting over her face. Sage simply takes a deep breath and curls her fingers into fists, raising her head slightly. Berry seems more irritated with the noise than anything, given the way she growls as she paces toward the couch, to where Steven is. "Well that's going to get _very_ old _very_ quickly," she hisses. Steven offers nothing more than a hesitant, quiet hum of agreement, looking toward the window.

"I'm going back to the arena," Tangerine declares, and Steven looks up in time to see a shudder rip through her tiny orange body, furious eyes fixed on the window. Her expression is dark, distant; Steven understands. She's in another place. "It's not doing the whole storm thing there."

"That's a good idea," Lemon Lime breathes. "I'll go with you."

"Hear, hear," Candy agrees, already turning away from the window to walk back over to them.

Garnet lets out a quiet, low hum suddenly as she reaches up to adjust her visor, then turns her head toward the warp pad. Steven watches her, but then turns back to Lemon Lime to watch the Peridot as he settles Peridot's gem back into place on the pillow on the counter, albeit with great reluctance that Steven understood; she was safer here, knowing the storm wasn't really a threat, than she would be in the arena. "Perhaps we should all go," Garnet speaks up suddenly.

Steven exchanges a look with the gems, then Greg, then looks toward the window. His stomach clenches uncomfortably at the sight of the storm raging outside, the rain, the flashes of lightning. He frowns, silent for a moment, and sweeps his gaze toward Peridot's gem. "I don't know…"

"I'll stay," Sage interrupts gently. "I'll keep an eye on things. You all go ahead."

Steven hesitates for a moment longer, eyes fixed on the gem, then nods. He trusts Sage, at the very least, though he still can't help but worry - he doesn't like the idea of her being alone either.

Thankfully, neither does Agate. "I'll stay with you," his former mentor murmurs, and Steven finally allows himself to relax. Greg heaves himself up after a few seconds, resting a hand on the hybrid's shoulder, and Steven leans into the touch slightly before pulling away to follow the others over to the warp pad. He steps up onto it alongside Tangerine and Berry, and the smaller gems exchange a glance as he settles in beside him, as the others crowd around them to leave.

"You two should show off your moves to Steven," Berry says suddenly, turning to look back at Lemon Lime and Candy. Both gems seem to light up at once, exchanging excited looks in response, and Steven can't help but huff out a laugh. They'd been so enthusiastic about training ever since they started - which, coming from Candy, isn't a surprise, but it is from Lemon Lime.

"Three against three?" Tangerine suggests. "Us against Limey, Sweets and Clem."

Clementine smirks in response as the warp pad activates. "You're so on."

"You're _so_ gem dust," Berry retorts. Steven smiles a little to himself, closing his eyes. The panic is gone, diminished as if it were never there. Worries of Homeworld and thunderstorms, gone.

Behind them, Amethyst just sighs. "Now I wish I'd brought popcorn."


End file.
